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What's a compulsive shopper to do in times like these? There is so much pressure to buy, save, prepare, shop ahead, relieve stress, it is unrealistic to rely on the outside world for any sense of containment over compulsive spending. Of course, I had already been encouraging you to rely on your inner self but if your inner self is still fragile, receiving e mails targeting your weakest link can be very challenging, to say the least. However, it really is an opportunity to develop a foundation of safety for yourself by resisting certain compulsive and impulsive acts. Even if you have to suffer anxiety and feel the wanting in the meantime, you create a stability that you need in order to continue on a path free of debt and compulsive spending that gives you HOPE! The stability, in case you are wondering, comes from feeling the feelings that surface when you do not allow yourself to shop, spend, and indulge. Feelings are meant to be felt, that's it. There is nothing to "do" in the face of feelings other than to feel them through. I know this may feel like torture for some of you, like a third degree burn victim, your emotional skin is thin. But, in trying to heal your burn, skin needs to grow and your foundation of feeling needs to grow and it grows through experiences.

The Repetition of Compulsive Shopping

The repetitious quality of compulsive shopping is part of the addictive process. By doing something, like shopping, over and over again with the hope of a different result is in large part why someone would repeatedly shop (till you drop) or develop credit card debt, not just once, but several times. The repetition that is involved in compulsions needs to be understood and dealt with in order to overcome a compulsion and resolve the need to re-engage in the behavioral process. It can be compared to dieting. For instance, if dieting were effective in helping someone overcome compulsive eating then the dieting industry would be out of business. Dieting only curbs the behavioral addiction to eating temporarily by focusing on the "food" rather than the "eating process". The same would be true for a budget for a compulsive spender. Incorporating a budget to get out of debt will only curb the spending temporarily by focusing on "money" rather than the "spending of money". Without looking at and trying to understand the process of compulsive spending the repetitious quality of the shopping will once again grab hold and provide the emotional glue that holds the person together. It is imperative to incorporate both behavioral change, such as a budget, as well as understanding the behavioral and emotional process of compulsions to achieve and sustain long term change.

Shopping for a Sense of Self

Compulsive Spending is being taken more seriously as a true problem especially since the economy has taken a turn for the worse and people are looking more honestly at how they budget, rationalize, and manage money. One, of many, purposes of over spending that seems to surface is that shopping behavior leads to a sense of self. For those who have this connection breaking with compulsive shopping is going to be a hurdle because the purpose that the shopping serves links directly to identity. To abandon a behavioral process that is so meaningful psychologically can be devastating and troubling to a person especially if it's meaning is not acquired. Helping people who have attached identity with shopping involves incorporating the process of weaning in therapy. Being realistic about what is possible and likely and creating promising and doable time lines helps a person feel understood and acknowledged. Developing a weaning process is specialized and specific to that person. It is like weaning a baby from a bottle and there will be pain and frustration in tolerating the new freedom and estrangement from the source of "food". As a therapist, holding the emotional reactions for the patient is essential in helping him or her go through the process while it also teaches the patient how to manage and hold their own feelings for the future. A bridge is built. This may be harder to do with out the assistance of a therapist, but it can give hope and understanding to the deeper underpinnings of compulsive shopping and why breaking with it can be so difficult. Most importantly, it will not leave the person stripped of their identity but rather help them continue to develop where the shopping interrupted their sense of self.

What is Your Tipping Point? When retail therapy becomes a compulsion

If you are reading this blog you may have before now asked yourself, "When does my 'retail therapy' become a real, serious concern?" Meaning, do I need help with controlling my urges to splurge? This question was posed to me in a recent interview with Stephanie Berenbaum of the website Fabulous & Frugal. I thought it was an excellent question because it draws the line as to when a person needs professional assistance beyond helpful information offered in magazines, talk shows and valuable websites geared to provide "guidance" as opposed to psychological help.

My answer was not black or white, but, of course, grey. The tipping point for one person is not the same as the tipping point for another and the process of a professional assessment can help differentiate what the tipping point for a specific person is and what a treatment plan in helping someone would look like.

However, this blog is for you, right now, to begin, perhaps, in asking yourself, where am I at? Do I compulsively shop in terms of my own values, limitations, standards and variables? Here are some questions, also offered on my website, www.angelawurtzelmft.com, that you can ask yourself today, in this very moment.

A=Almost Always O=Once in Awhile

I=Infrequently N=Not at all

• Do you buy things you want even if you know at that moment you do not have the money to pay for it?
• Is it difficult for you to save money?
• When you have some “extra” cash that you could save, instead, you think of other things you would like to buy?
• Do you cheer yourself up or give yourself a reward by “going shopping”?
• Does more than a third of your income go to pay credit card bills (not including rent or mortgage payments)?
• Have you had to move credit lines because you typically don’t have the money to pay off your credit line?
• Do you pay the minimum balance on your credit card most of the time?
• Are you inclined to keep buying more of your favorite things- clothes, makeup, cd’s, books, computer software, electronic gadgets – even though you do not have a specific need for them?
• When and if you have to say “NO” to yourself, or control yourself from buying something you really want, do you feel intensely deprived, angry or upset?

If you have four or more A’s and O’s you have overspending tendencies. If you answered A or O to the last question, you are most likely someone who may grapple with compulsive shopping. That question seems to be the most potent indicator of a serious problem.

So, now that you have taken this small, yet meaningful, quiz, where do you think you stand in relationship to your spending trends and ideals? How would you determine your tipping point and what would you base it on?

Please, write your responses and we will start a dialogue!

Compulsive Shopping... Becoming more of a reality

A lot of times people say to me, " Your idea and theory behind compulsive shopping resonates with me but I really didn't think it was a real thing, but the more I think about it the more it seems true and real."

Last December I was interviewed by {X}Press Magazine, the San Francisco State University campus magazine, for an article on compulsive shopping. Check it out...

Am I a Compulsive Shopper????

I am often asked, "is compulsive shopping a real disorder?" I usually answer with a question, "do you think it is a real problem?" I hate it when my questions are answered with a question, but really, I don't have an answer, exactly. I treat compulsive shopping in my psychotherapy private practice. I help people deal with the underlying hunger associated with over shopping, over eating, under eating, self mutilation, and so on, because, in their lives, doing these behaviors over and over again, although they can be deemed "normal" if done on a regular basis, for them, is destructive and helpful at the same time. How is over shopping helpful? It is helpful because it probably provides some type of containment, or regulation, of emotional states. Emotional regulation is an internal process that "should" occur in each person and develops from birth on ward. A mother teaches emotional regulation through such processes as gazing, cooing, wrapping a blanky around a crying baby, feeding, and holding, for example. These processes are usually done well enough and in some situations, they are not and the baby/child/teen/adult, has to develop other means to emotionally regulate and for many it is through the process of feeding, starving, buying, returning, bingeing, purging, cutting and healing. So, yes, compulsive shopping, is a real, troubling, effective disorder. It works and it doesn't work. Compulsive shopping regulates in the moment and also leads to financial complications, relationship discord and emotional turmoil. Do you think you are a compulsive shopper? I have found the seven criteria to determine if you are from Lee Eisenberg : 

1. You buy things even though you can’t afford them.
2. You believe others would be horrified if they found out about your spending habits.
3. You write checks even though you know there’s not enough in the bank to cover them.
4. If you have any money left at the end of a pay period, you feel compelled to spend it.
5. You make only the minimum payments on your credit-card statements (if you make any at all).
6. You feel anxious or nervous on days you don’t go shopping.
7. You buy things to make yourself feel better.

What a Budget Really Is

Most of the time I talk with people about the psychological issues surrounding compulsive spending and tend to stay away from the practical issues of budgeting since I am not a financial planner or an accountant. However, I have come to notice in my practice that a 3 is a "fluid" thing to most people. 

I try to listen carefully, what is really being said and what is not being said. I really hear, " I keep everything in my head and rationalize my spending based on what I am thinking about in terms of money and basically, I don't have a budget and I don't want one." What is not being said, concretely, is "I know how much money I make and I base my spending on how much I can afford!" Most of the time I talk with people who do not know how much money they actually have to spend on bills, rent, food, clothes, movies, trips, business expenses and medical needs. What they do know is what they want to spend and sometimes, but not always, what they need to spend. 

This is where a real budget comes in handy. A budget starts with income, whether it be from a job, a trust fund, or babysitting. To some degree, this number should be static, that is, it is the same amount every month. This is the money a person has to spend and live off of, to pay rent, bills, repairs, food, clothing, children, etc. It is important to know how much money you make per month because then you know how much money you have to literally spend. I notice that when I talk to people with compulsive spending problems that they don't necessarily buy outrageous items, they buy too much stuff for the amount of money that they make and when they run out they use their credit cards.

Expenses is the other side of the budget. A person has fixed expenses, things that need to be paid every month and usually cost the same each month, like rent or a mortgage, health insurance, car insurance, cell phone bill, credit card payments and car payments. Other items that are considered expenses are food, clothing, dry cleaning, gasoline, computer expenses, entertainment, gym memberships, and dining out. These are not necessarily fixed, but a person can make them fixed by determining how much money they have available after all of the true fixed expenses are paid in full. Some things on a person's original list, like a gym membership, may not be on the budget because it can not be afforded. This is how you live within your means and really follow a budget instead of a budget following you. 

It might take some time to develop a working budget and get into the groove of following a budget, per se, but taking the time to become more aware of how you do things is the most important aspect of this process.