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What's a compulsive shopper to do in times like these? There is so much pressure to buy, save, prepare, shop ahead, relieve stress, it is unrealistic to rely on the outside world for any sense of containment over compulsive spending. Of course, I had already been encouraging you to rely on your inner self but if your inner self is still fragile, receiving e mails targeting your weakest link can be very challenging, to say the least. However, it really is an opportunity to develop a foundation of safety for yourself by resisting certain compulsive and impulsive acts. Even if you have to suffer anxiety and feel the wanting in the meantime, you create a stability that you need in order to continue on a path free of debt and compulsive spending that gives you HOPE! The stability, in case you are wondering, comes from feeling the feelings that surface when you do not allow yourself to shop, spend, and indulge. Feelings are meant to be felt, that's it. There is nothing to "do" in the face of feelings other than to feel them through. I know this may feel like torture for some of you, like a third degree burn victim, your emotional skin is thin. But, in trying to heal your burn, skin needs to grow and your foundation of feeling needs to grow and it grows through experiences.

Shopping for a Sense of Self

Compulsive Spending is being taken more seriously as a true problem especially since the economy has taken a turn for the worse and people are looking more honestly at how they budget, rationalize, and manage money. One, of many, purposes of over spending that seems to surface is that shopping behavior leads to a sense of self. For those who have this connection breaking with compulsive shopping is going to be a hurdle because the purpose that the shopping serves links directly to identity. To abandon a behavioral process that is so meaningful psychologically can be devastating and troubling to a person especially if it's meaning is not acquired. Helping people who have attached identity with shopping involves incorporating the process of weaning in therapy. Being realistic about what is possible and likely and creating promising and doable time lines helps a person feel understood and acknowledged. Developing a weaning process is specialized and specific to that person. It is like weaning a baby from a bottle and there will be pain and frustration in tolerating the new freedom and estrangement from the source of "food". As a therapist, holding the emotional reactions for the patient is essential in helping him or her go through the process while it also teaches the patient how to manage and hold their own feelings for the future. A bridge is built. This may be harder to do with out the assistance of a therapist, but it can give hope and understanding to the deeper underpinnings of compulsive shopping and why breaking with it can be so difficult. Most importantly, it will not leave the person stripped of their identity but rather help them continue to develop where the shopping interrupted their sense of self.

What is Your Tipping Point? When retail therapy becomes a compulsion

If you are reading this blog you may have before now asked yourself, "When does my 'retail therapy' become a real, serious concern?" Meaning, do I need help with controlling my urges to splurge? This question was posed to me in a recent interview with Stephanie Berenbaum of the website Fabulous & Frugal. I thought it was an excellent question because it draws the line as to when a person needs professional assistance beyond helpful information offered in magazines, talk shows and valuable websites geared to provide "guidance" as opposed to psychological help.

My answer was not black or white, but, of course, grey. The tipping point for one person is not the same as the tipping point for another and the process of a professional assessment can help differentiate what the tipping point for a specific person is and what a treatment plan in helping someone would look like.

However, this blog is for you, right now, to begin, perhaps, in asking yourself, where am I at? Do I compulsively shop in terms of my own values, limitations, standards and variables? Here are some questions, also offered on my website, www.angelawurtzelmft.com, that you can ask yourself today, in this very moment.

A=Almost Always O=Once in Awhile

I=Infrequently N=Not at all

• Do you buy things you want even if you know at that moment you do not have the money to pay for it?
• Is it difficult for you to save money?
• When you have some “extra” cash that you could save, instead, you think of other things you would like to buy?
• Do you cheer yourself up or give yourself a reward by “going shopping”?
• Does more than a third of your income go to pay credit card bills (not including rent or mortgage payments)?
• Have you had to move credit lines because you typically don’t have the money to pay off your credit line?
• Do you pay the minimum balance on your credit card most of the time?
• Are you inclined to keep buying more of your favorite things- clothes, makeup, cd’s, books, computer software, electronic gadgets – even though you do not have a specific need for them?
• When and if you have to say “NO” to yourself, or control yourself from buying something you really want, do you feel intensely deprived, angry or upset?

If you have four or more A’s and O’s you have overspending tendencies. If you answered A or O to the last question, you are most likely someone who may grapple with compulsive shopping. That question seems to be the most potent indicator of a serious problem.

So, now that you have taken this small, yet meaningful, quiz, where do you think you stand in relationship to your spending trends and ideals? How would you determine your tipping point and what would you base it on?

Please, write your responses and we will start a dialogue!

Compulsive Shopping... Becoming more of a reality

A lot of times people say to me, " Your idea and theory behind compulsive shopping resonates with me but I really didn't think it was a real thing, but the more I think about it the more it seems true and real."

Last December I was interviewed by {X}Press Magazine, the San Francisco State University campus magazine, for an article on compulsive shopping. Check it out...

Holiday Blues

I am wondering how people are feeling about spending money this holiday season? I am thinking that people may be using the recession as an opportunity to self impose control over their impulses to spend money on things, for people, that is not necessary. For instance, I spent the weekend at UNIQUE LA, a design and art show, trying to sell jewelry for a friend, By Mai, and in 48 hours with over 10, 000 potential customers, we sold 4 pieces of jewelry! I was so depressed as a vendor. I felt demoralized, as if I had been rejected by 9,9996 people. Each piece of jewelry is handmade, one of a kind, and I could not even sell 5! Don't get me wrong, the pieces are lovely and many people, over and over, at least 5, 558, stopped by the booth, oohing and aaahing, at the pieces, beautifully displayed on handmade wood painted in white and pearl. I couldn't even get these stubborn, contained shoppers to try some on and then view themselves adorned in the jewels. For once, I was trying to get someone not to be in control of their impulses, and just buy! I had to get validated, though, and make sure that the product I was pushing was not the issue, and sure enough, I was right. Other vendors, who for a living, knock out pieces of art, clothing, you name it, schlep it to this show with the hope of selling out, and not to my dismay, many were disappointed, left with tons of merchandise to take home, vowing never to do this again. My heart went out to them, because, for me, this was not my livelihood, pushing jewels, but for them, it is and I felt their pain and to some degree, horror, of putting so much into their work and leaving with it and very little money. 

It was interesting being on that side of things and being in that experience. I, too, wanted to make money off of these shoppers, thousands of them, being herded through the penthouse of the california mart. I saw them as vehicles to get what I needed, a sale, and as the first day ended, with no sales whatsoever, I had to step it up the next day and push sales. I made 4, and 3 of them were from one person, so you do the math! I am good, too! Really, I understand the psychology of spending, and I love to shop, too! But, these shoppers were determined to hold their ground and spend only within budget. On some level, I was impressed, but mostly, I was frustrated with their control and would have done almost anything to get them to loosen their grip! 

But, do you feel like you need a little more control than the shoppers I encountered this weekend? Are you feeling like this holiday season could sneak up right under you and pull a fast one? If so, and reading my blog doesn't have enough staying power for you, then you may want to think about an online tele-course being offered by April Benson, author of Stopping Overshopping. She is a therapist in New York and her course, Getting Caught Up in the Holiday Hype and Losing Hope, is starting soon! 

Am I a Compulsive Shopper????

I am often asked, "is compulsive shopping a real disorder?" I usually answer with a question, "do you think it is a real problem?" I hate it when my questions are answered with a question, but really, I don't have an answer, exactly. I treat compulsive shopping in my psychotherapy private practice. I help people deal with the underlying hunger associated with over shopping, over eating, under eating, self mutilation, and so on, because, in their lives, doing these behaviors over and over again, although they can be deemed "normal" if done on a regular basis, for them, is destructive and helpful at the same time. How is over shopping helpful? It is helpful because it probably provides some type of containment, or regulation, of emotional states. Emotional regulation is an internal process that "should" occur in each person and develops from birth on ward. A mother teaches emotional regulation through such processes as gazing, cooing, wrapping a blanky around a crying baby, feeding, and holding, for example. These processes are usually done well enough and in some situations, they are not and the baby/child/teen/adult, has to develop other means to emotionally regulate and for many it is through the process of feeding, starving, buying, returning, bingeing, purging, cutting and healing. So, yes, compulsive shopping, is a real, troubling, effective disorder. It works and it doesn't work. Compulsive shopping regulates in the moment and also leads to financial complications, relationship discord and emotional turmoil. Do you think you are a compulsive shopper? I have found the seven criteria to determine if you are from Lee Eisenberg : 

1. You buy things even though you can’t afford them.
2. You believe others would be horrified if they found out about your spending habits.
3. You write checks even though you know there’s not enough in the bank to cover them.
4. If you have any money left at the end of a pay period, you feel compelled to spend it.
5. You make only the minimum payments on your credit-card statements (if you make any at all).
6. You feel anxious or nervous on days you don’t go shopping.
7. You buy things to make yourself feel better.

Packing Tips: How to manage packing anxiety

Recently, the process of  "packing" has been a topic of discussion. The process of packing brings up issues for people who struggle with image and compulsive spending is directly related to image. Not that many people would readily admit that "packing" for a trip or a getaway is troubling, but for many, it seems to be. I thought this was interesting and considered as I am about to pack myself, what do I wear? what is the weather going to be like? do I have the right outfits? and, will what I bring fit?

These questions, like several thoughts we have, go unnoticed, unacknowledged and incorporated into behavior, sometimes maladaptive behavior. For instance, my friend has just enough money to take her trip and that is it, but as she considers her "packing" list, she finds herself wondering into Nordstrom to buy new jeans and the drugstore for a few travel size amenities. This is where her image issues affect her wanting and driving her to overspend with justification. Feeling the anxiety of not having the right jeans for her road trip, or having to live without her favorite hair product, is just too overwhelming to feel and relieving the anxiety requires buying something to solve the conflict which truly only exists in the mind of my friend.

Resolving conflicts on this level is very tricky because, for example, my friend, let's call her Tara, would have to realize that there is a conflict at all. Tara most likely realizes that she feels unprepared and troubled by her packing process and that she needs to rectify the situation. She does not sense there is a conflict between her anxiety around her image and her not having enough money to buy something to relieve the anxiety around her image. Tara would best suffice, financially and psychologically, if she just feels the feelings of anxiety around her packing issues and restrains from taking any action, such as buying new jeans, to get rid of the feelings. Most likely, Tara will realize that she can handle her anxiety, that she will survive it and test out new coping skills, which in this case is feeling her feelings, and develop the start of a foundation of security in her self.

Regarding her image, Tara's deeper issue is more related to her sense of self and how she perceives her self. A lot of what she may be projecting onto her packing list and feeling in the process will be more understood if she does not act out and buy new things to resolve her conflict. By buying new things in these kinds of instances, Tara thinks this is the solution where in fact, it is not, it is only a short term remedy. 

Oniomania, otherwise known as Compulsive Spending

I thought I would start this blog with reality. Compulsive shopping is a true disorder. The medical term, according to Wikipedia, is Oniomania, the compulsive desire to shop. I italicized desire because desire indicates a feeling not necessarily an action. Feeling and doing are most likely related but not the same thing. So when a person who feels like shopping that doesn't mean, a) that the person will shop or b) that the person has to shop or c)that the person will buy something. It just means the person experiences an overwhelming urge to shop.

I make this distinction because I think in the treatment of compulsive shopping it is imperative to separate feelings from actions. I say this because as I am doing research for this blog I am finding tips on the internet that address compulsive shopping like things to do instead of shop, or things to do to keep yourself from shopping. For instance, go for a walk or take a bath... hmmm, that doesn't sound quite as enticing as say, Marc Jacobs shoes at Nordstrom, or a stroll through Target. My point is two fold. One, the suggestions offer actions to get rid of feelings which is a substitution for the symptom in the first place. And two, the suggestions are intellectual, rather than emotional, and therefore, the suggestions do not work in the long run because emotions typically override intelligence and what one "knows is right". I propose addressing Oniomania from an emotional point of view which would mean attempting to understand the feelings, and eventually tolerate them, rather than get rid of them. And, two, recognizing the resistance to do the right thing. For example, my favorite suggestion to stop compulsive shopping is to develop a budget, which, of course, there would be no compulsive shopping if one was able to follow a budget. From my theoretical perspective, I recommend writing down ten reasons to resist having a budget.

These 10 reasons will offer more insight into why compulsive shopping and not having a budget has a curative, purposeful effect on one's emotional life than any steps taken against the urge and action to compulsively shop. This new understanding can lead to sustained change over time as opposed to a quick fix.